THE SHIT THEY DON’T TELL YOU: GUYS ARE STUPID, BUT SO ARE YOU

couple-fighting-the-shit-they-dont-tell-you-the-haute-mess

Relationships are hard and I’m probably the last person you should be taking advice from if you want to try and make things better. But I’m not giving relationship advice, that would be stupid, this is advice on how to make you better.

Before I delve into “The Shit They Don’t Tell You” you should know my credentials for writing this post. I’ve had only two “real” boyfriends (one that lasted three long years and one that lasted five short months); a handful of serious potentials (two out of five in which I was dumped); and an undisclosed number of first and only dates (none of which were one-night-stands for the record).

If you must know, I get bored, so relationships aren’t exactly my thing. But I have no regrets. Every shitty relationship has only taught me how to be less of a shitty person. So right now, I’m the least shittiest I’ve ever been. I’m not bitter, swear. Most couples I know are just two shitty people in a shit-situation. And if I had to intervene, which I wouldn’t, I’d say cut the bullshit and stop making shit stains on each other’s memories.

These are the 5 lessons I’ve learned from my past relationships/experiences that I can honestly say has made me a better person.

You’re A Woman, Not A Queen

It occurred to me during a Louie episode marathon—out of all fucking people, Louis C.K. left a dent in the way I perceived my dating life.
Anyways, the scene that stuck out to me was when Louie was literally sweating nerves trying to impress his date and rambling to fill in the silence. His date, however, seemed bored, cold and making no such effort to steer the conversation. Louie has a realization and asks why he’s trying to impress her. Why not the other way around, or mutual even? She has no great contribution to the world. She’s just young and pretty.

That’s what got me thinking. Who the fuck am I?

If we know a penis doesn’t make him a dick and a vagina doesn’t make her a pussy, then why do we still lay down dating roles according to each other’s physical anatomy?
You’re a woman, not a queen. Most importantly, you are human and flawed. Own up to your mistakes, admit to your wrongs and treat everyone with respect and how you’d want to be treated.

Don’t Look For Your Missing Piece
I found the most important piece of life advice in a children’s poem book, The Missing Piece Meets The Big O by Shel Silverstein—out of all the fucking books in the world. Read that though. You’ll go through it in three minutes. I can almost guarantee that the last page will give you a huge mind fuck and make you rethink everything you’ve ever known about “love” (whatever that is) … and underlying meanings in every children’s book you’ve ever read.

I’m sure many of you are searching for your “missing piece.” But the message of this book is telling you to screw the missing piece, for you are a whole piece. There are no gaps to fill. In other words, don’t rely on someone to make you feel complete. You should complete yourself.
Missing pieces are crutches that we rely on to hold us up and keep our shit together. No one likes a fixer-upper. No one should take on that responsibility that you need to do for yourself.

Fix yourself first. Don’t depend on anyone for anything. You need to know you’ll be fine if that person should ever leave your life. And should you find someone then make sure they’re a whole too so they can keep up and roll with you as you both grow together.
Fix yourself first. Don’t depend on anyone for anything. You need to know you’ll be fine if that person should ever leave your life. And should you find someone then make sure they’re a whole too so they can keep up and roll with you as you both grow together.

3. Sex Should Never Be Anything Short From Amazing
It occurred to me some years ago with one of my former partners. Before him, I had only experienced sex with one guy who’d play around the same three positions. This was normal to me, so I never explored beyond those moves. Quite honestly, this new guy was just a coping mechanism to get over my 3-year-long relationship and I knew he had way more tally marks than I did. I was intimidated to say the least. I hate to give anyone credit, but it turned out that that coping mechanism of a man, was what helped me gain confidence in bed.

I remember watching Finding Nemo—out of all the fucking movies—and asking that coping mechanism of a man for his “count”. He said it didn’t matter and that I’d only judge him if I knew. The answer was 51. I’ve never felt so incompetent in my life. Anyways, Finding Nemo was muted, arm grazing turned into cuddling, cuddling turned into foreplay and I became number 52. This was when I learned sex should never be anything short from amazing.

Go on. Do weird shit. Don’t think. Just feel. The moment you think too much about what the guy is thinking is when shit gets awkward. Just know that he’s having the time of his life no matter what position, dirty talk or roleplay you’re experimenting on him.
Although that coping mechanism of a man helped me find my inner freak, you don’t need one to come along to help you realize the same. I’m telling you right now that it’s okay to do weird shit you’ve never tried. Weird is good. The more in-tune you are with your weirdness, the less weird it will be.

Walk Away When It No Longer Serves You
I hate inspirational quotes. I especially hate seeing them on my Instagram feed. If I see another cliché scenic background with a cliché text overlay reading how you’ve already moved on and already onto the next, I will seriously lose my shit. First of all, air your shit to people who care. Second, have some taste. Kushwizdom.tumblr.com is not a credible source. (I’m too scared to find out if that’s a real url or not).
I was legit addicted to reality TV back in the day. Rev Run had this TV show called Run’s House and at the end of every episode he’d would narrate and type out on his Blackberry the hidden lesson of the episode while bathing in bubbles. I swear I’m not making this shit up. I really hate to admit it, but I ate that shit up. This all sounds contradictory to my previous paragraph, but if you watched this show, you’d probably trust this man with every inch of your being.
As I was watching a Run’s House episode—out of all the fucking shows—this quote has forever been instilled in my brain:

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything
that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.”

Let that marinate in your mind for a minute. Bottom line: If it doesn’t make you happy, it’s not worth it.

The Blame Game

It’s not about “This is what you did wrong.” Rather, “This is how I feel.” I pulled this shit out of a Miley Cyrus (pre-Bangerz) interview—out of all the fucking celebrities.

Despite the number of things she says and does that make no sense, the girl rests her case on this one. No one likes being cornered and just because you’re close with that person, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to treat them however you want. Going back to “you’re a woman, not a queen”; treat everyone with respect.

“You don’t deserve a point of view, when the only thing you see is you.” That’s a Paramore lyric (and also my high school senior quote). And I’m still not quite sure if they’re one of those bands who you jam out to only in secret, or can rock out to in public. Whatever, I’m a fan. Relationships are a joint effort. So always make sure you keep in mind the outcome and how it will affect the other person.
Drop the ego. This isn’t a game and it’s never about who’s right or wrong.

Source is here.

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